Maximum Ride: A Christmas Carol
by My Name Is NOT Jessica
Summary: On Christmas Eve, Fang gets a surprise visit from someone from his past. What follows is a supernatural adventure he won't soon forget. Humor/Parody. OOC. Written around Christmas last year.


**Hey there, Special Human. Or mutant. You never really know with this category.**

**This is a one-shot I wrote a long time ago, before last Christmas actually. I rediscovered it (Several times) and decided to finally post it. It's Christmas in July. Yes, I know, not what you expected to see when you opened up the Archives on this fine day... night... whenever I post it. Either way, here ya go. Things get a little weird and OOC in here somewhere. I kind of veered off and crashed in Crazyland...**

**DISCLAIMER: I not own Maximum Ride or A Christmas Carol. Capiche?**

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><p>Fang jumped as 'Jingle Bell Rock' started blaring from downstairs of the Martinez house, where the Flock was staying for the holidays. Scowling, he walked downstairs.<p>

"Merry Christmas, Fang!" Nudge shrieked from her perch on top of a ladder, attempting to hang lights from the ceiling. A fuzzy Santa hat was about to fall off her unruly curls. Max, wearing a matching hat, was running around a Christmas tree trying to string up popcorn while singing along to the music horribly off-key.

As he watched, Ella and Angel came down the stairs behind him, presumably from the attic because they were carrying boxes with tinsel peeking out of them. "It's Christmas Eve!" Angel squealed, jamming her own Santa hat on her head.

Fang, of course, was well aware that it was Christmas Eve. He'd already gotten everyone their presents and wrapped them in old newspaper. He grimaced. "Could you turn the music down?"

Grinning enfuriatingly, Max ran over to him with yet another hat in her hands. "Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock," She warbled as she tried to wrestle Fang's head into the hat. Seeing her opportunity, Ella darted over the popcorn and stuffed a handful in her mouth.

Fang ducked away from Max and walked over to the stereo just as the Gasman's voice drifted in from the kitchen. "Max!" he was saying. "I got my head stuck in the wreath again!"

"For God's sake, Gazzy," Max said, abandoning Fang's head and jogging into the kitchen. Fang pressed 'Off' on the stereo.

"Faaang!" Ella whined, classily spewing spit-covered popcorn everywhere. "Turn it back on!"

"No."

"Please, Fang?" Angel asked innocently. Fang refused to look at her, knowing she'd be using the Bambi Eyes. He shook his head.

Max came back from the kitchen with a decidedly rumpled-looking Gazzy. "Aww, come on," She said. "It's Christmas."

"Bah Humbug." said Fang.

"ZOMG Fang, that is, like, so uncool!" Nudge said, adjusting her hat.

Max laughed. "Scrooge."

"I am NOT!" Fang scowled again.

"Yes, you are." Max insisted. "You said bah humbug and everything!"

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too!"

"Am NOT!"

"Are TOO!"

Just then, Iggy walked in. "Iggy, am I a -" Fang started, just as Max said "Iggy, tell Fang he's -"

But Iggy cut them both off. "Can't talk," he muttered, heading for the kitchen. "Must have egg nog."

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><p>Later that night, Fang sat alone in his darkened room, illuminated solely by the glow of his laptop. "I am <em>not <em>a Scrooge," He muttered angrily. Suddenly, he heard a strange dinging noise and a ghostly message box popped up on his laptop's screen. It read, _You have (1) new messages!_

Struck with horror by this ungrammatical message box from beyond the grave, Fang reeled away in fear. That was when he heard the soft scrape of paper on wood, followed by the thump of a lurching footstep. Then again. And again. Then a loud crash and someone swearing. Then the first thing again. With each step, it got closer and closer until it sounded like it was right outside his bedroom door. Then... silence.

Fang gathered up his courage and called out, "Who's th - "

Before he could finish, the door flew open on its hinges and in jumped Ari, wrapped in toilet paper. "Ebenezer..." He moaned in a ghostly manner. "Ebenezer Faaang..."

"Ari!" Fang gasped. "But you're d - "

"Asssk me who I wasssss..." Ari wailed.

Fang frowned. "But I know who you - "

"Ask me who I was!" Ari wailed again. "Or forever be bound by the toilet paper of your sinsss!"

"Okay, okay! Jeez." Fang said. "Who were you?"

"In life I was Max's half-brother, Ari..."

"I knew that," Fang said irritably. "What I really want to know is - "

" - But in death I'm Max's DEAD half-brother, Maurice!" Ari moaned ghostily.

Fang stared.

Suddenly, Ari/Maurice levitated three feet off the ground and spread his arms wide as if he wanted a hug. He glared down at Fag and thundered "HEED MY WARNING, SCROOGE!"

"HEY!" Fang yelled angrily. "I am NOT a Scrooge!"

"Tonight you will be haunted by three spirits! Do as they say, or be condemned to the same fate as me!" Ari/Maurice roared, flapping his arms.

"And what fate is that?" Fang asked politely.

_"I... AM... A... HOBO!"_

"No!" Fang cried out in terror. "No, it can't be!"

"Oh, but it is..." Maurice said ominously, backing out the door slowly. "Remember, Scrooge: Three spirits..."

As Maurice shuffled away, Fang jumped on his bed and hid under the covers. He stayed there, whimpering, until a voice that sounded suspiciously like Alvin the Chipmunk shouted "_Expect the first ghost when the bell tolls oooonnnneeeee!_" and a bright light came on. Fang uncovered his head to see that the light was his desk lamp.

Looking around, he saw that the person who turned it on was none other than... the Gasman. And his head appeared to be on fire. "I am the Ghost of Passing Gas - Er, I mean, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past..." Gazzy said in a ghostly whisper.

"Long past?" Fang whispered fearfully.

_"Your _past..." Gazzy head flared up brightly, temporarily blinding Fang. He flinched away. When Gazzy noticed it freaked Fang out, he started flaring his head up and down rapidly until things got awkward.

"Come..." Gazzy whispered. "It's time to look into the past..." Gazzy and Fang went to the window and jumped out. "Here we are at the School," Gazzy announced, still in a ghostly whisper, but with a tour guide's attitude. Then he winced. "Let's skip this part... Ah, here we are after Jeb... Let's skip that part too. And here... no. Here... Nope." They looked at each other.

"...Well this sucks." Fang commented.

"You know what?" Gazzy said. "I think I'll just hand you over to the Ghost of Christmas Presents now."

"You mean Christmas Present."

Gazzy looked at him. "No."

As the Ghost of Passing Gas - Er, Christmas Past faded away, Fang found himself back in his room. A door, slightly ajar, that had not been there before was there now. From it spilled a cheerful golden light and the sounds of music and laughter. Disturbing, maniacal laughter. Fang peeked in and saw a sight far worse than Maurice and the Ghost of Passing Gas - er, Christmas Past combined.

The room was filled to the brim with brightly wrapped presents. A chandelier hanging from the ceiling emenated a golden glow while a huge boom box played music at top volume. And in the middle of it all was Nudge, rolling around on the ground having a mad laughing fit. "Scrooge!" She shrieked, catching sight of Fang. "Face me!". Then she chuckled like she had just been told the funniest joke EVARR.

Fang crept in fearfully. "Are you the G-Ghost of Christmas Present?"

"No!" Nudge laughed. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents!"

"Oh." Fang said. "So what do you, like, do?"

Nudge screamed with mirth. "HO HO HO! What do I DO? Why, I open presents, of course!"

"So why am _I _here?" Fang asked. Nudge thought, giggled, and shrugged. Fang scowled. "Maurice said the three ghosts would help me not turn into a hobo, or die or something, I wasn't really paying attention."

"Fine," Nudge chuckled and took off her scarf. "Put on this scarf."

"Why?"

"It's the scarf of clarity!" Nudge guffawed. "Put it on and you will see!"

Fang shrugged and put on the scarf. And waited. And waited. And waited.

"Do you see?" Nudge whispered. Fang shook his head. "Hobos don't have scarves!" She explained, then collapsed on the ground shrieking with laughter again.

Fang's face lit up. "Thank you, Spirit! I DO see!"

The ominous sound of a church bell tolling cut through the noise like a knife. Nudge's face suddenly turned grave. "My time here is short," She said, unable to resist one last giggle. The bell tolled again.

Fang gaped at Nudge. "Don't go, Ghost!"

"Expect the last Ghost," Nudge said, beginning to fade away. "_When the bell tolls twelve_!"

The Ghost of Christmas Presents and her realm were swept away, leaving behind only the echo of her final tee-hee's in her wake. The bell continued sounding, growing inevitably closer to the twelfth toll. Fang soon found himself standing alone in the dark. A hooded figure meterialized before him as they bell's twelfth DONG echoed away.

"Ebenezer Fang," The hooded figure began to speak in a deep voice. "You - "

"OMG DEATH EATER!" Fang screamed, scrambling away from the hooded figure.

"No, you dumbass!" The figure said in a suspiciously familiar voice. "I'm not a Death Eater. What are you on, crack?"

"Oh, okay." Fang said, relieved.

The hooded figure cleared it's throat, and intoned in a deep voice. "Ebenezer Fang, I am - "

"MY FATHER?"

"SHUT UP ALREADY AND LET ME TALK!"

"Okay, okay. Jeez." Fang said, hurt. "Talk then."

"You have been visited by my siblings," The figure continued in the deep voice. "The Ghosts of Passing Gas - Er, Christmas Past, and Christmas Presents."

"And who are you?" Fang whispered fearfully.

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Future!" Thundered the hooded figure. "_YOUR FUTURE!_"

Fang gasped. "What is my future?"

"Look," said the Ghost of Christmas Future, spreading his arms wide. Fang looked around. They were now standing in a silent, snowy graveyard. The Ghost began walking down a path. "In life, you were Fang, just as in his life, Maurice was Ari." It said before tripping over a short gravestone.

"And in death?"

"In death..." The Ghost of Christmas Future pointed gravely to a tree.

Fang gasped in horror again. "Not a tree! Anything but that!"

"Wait - Uh..." said the Ghost confusedly, then turned slightly to the left. "Start over! In death..." The Ghost pointed gravely to a grave. Fang gulped and leaned forward to read the name written on the grave. It was...

_Clarence._

"_NOOOOOOO_!" Fang screamed in terror and turned to the Ghost. "Who are you?" The Ghost turned to walk away but Fang tackled him and threw back his hood. The Ghost of Christmas Future was Iggy.

"You've been warned..." He intoned, fading away.

"_NOOOOOOOO_!" Fang screamed again and again. "_NOOOO!"_

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><p>As Fang kept screaming his surroundings whirled away from him until he was sitting upright in bed with the winter sun shining in through the window. <em>WTF LOL<em> Fang thought confusedly as he looked around. There were no Ghosts, no strange lights, and no unexplained doors. _It was all a dream!_ He thought with relief.

"Wake up, it's Christmas!" Nudge yelled from down the hallway. She burst into Fang's room. "GET UP!" She roared, turning into a hellacious demon-child with red eyes while flames swelled up behind her and the Jaws theme played in the background. "NOOWWWW!"

"Okay, okay, I'm up," Fang muttered, which was a lie because he was still getting up when he said that.

"LIIIAAAARRRRR!" Nudge hissed evilly. "You LIIIIEEEE, Clarence!"

Fang froze. "What did you just say?"

"Oh," Nudge said pleasantly, reverting to her mortal form. "I said 'You LIIIIEEEE, Clarence!'."

"What did you just call me?" Fang asked, an icy chill creeping over him.

"Um, Clarence? Duh."

It wasn't a dream. It was all true. And Fang was a hobo named Clarence. His eyes popped open and his jaw dropped, forming an O, as in OMG. "_NOOOOOOOO!" _He screamed. _"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

Merry Christmas.


End file.
